Online Social Event Etiquette

During the Covid19 stay-at-home period, many matchmaking agencies switched to hosting online dating to continue getting singles to socialize. 💘 To keep up with times, I have included conducting video dating events in my event facilitating class. As I was preparing my course ware, an idea bulb illuminated! 🌟 Propelling me to share these 7 tips on attending virtual meetings here. The key purpose of these suggestions is to prepare attendees to project their best self during online social event.

Image by mmi9 from Pixabay 

Getting Ready
Some people feel nervous about meeting strangers. To minimize additional stress, participants could familiarize with the conference tools, position the lighting angle and test the internet speed before the event. When people are accustomed with the tools, they will appear more relax and confident. Select a quiet environment with minimal distraction to attend the virtual dating event. Put up a "DO NOT DISTURB" signage on your door or desk to prevent your family from disrupting your meeting. Fully charge your devices first if there are no electrical points at the selected meeting spot. Participants will be talking much throughout the online dating event, prepare a bottle of water.

Optical & Audible
First impression affects the chances of being asked for a future date. Wear tastefully for this social event. Selfie-ring light helps to lit your face so the other participants can see your expressions well during virtual meetings. Close the overbearing back-light if necessary. Keep good posture and position your camera so you appear in the center of your screen. Choose a tidy and cluttered-free background. Speak clearly to the microphone instead of the screen. Silent your mobile phone to prevent incoming sound notifications. Most people have a tendency to look at the screen. Look at the camera once in a while to "maintain" eye contact with the other participants. Attendees can get overly self-conscious as they can see themselves in the video conference application. One way to reduce such tension is to focus on the camera or the other participants instead.

Be on Schedule
Being timely shows that you are a considerate and co-operative person. Be punctual and keep to the ending time of the online event.

Optimal Connectivity
Some participants had to leave the meetings abruptly due to shortage of power. Video-conferencing can drain up a lot of power from your devices. Keep the charged power banks or electrical cables nearby. Switch off unused applications on your device to keep the video running smoothly.

Be Congruous
Similar to face-to-face social meetings, be courteous, respectful and friendly. Smile. Some people get too cozy and started to slouch or lie down during the virtual meetings. It is very inappropriate on first meetings. Get a comfortable chair which can support your back when you sit up straight. Avoid using abbreviations or profanities. Sending shirtless photos of yourself to show off sculpted abs or sharing the latest offensive viral videos are no-nos too.

Conversation Plan
At this initial stage of meeting new friends, the key purpose of these interactions is to discover one another's preferences, personality, outlook and vibes. Keep the conversation topics light, natural and appropriate as this is the first meeting. Brainstorm a personal conversation listing beforehand. Apply them to keep the dialogue going or pivot from stagnation. This list is extremely useful when you are meeting singles one-on-one in breakout rooms.

Sign-offs
Video-conference software can only pick up 1 conversation a time, it get confused when there are few people talking. Participants end up hearing bits and pieces of words incoherently. To ensure every dialogue is captured smoothly, let the others be aware that you have finished your conversation with “That’s all.” “Thank you.” “Let's hear from...” This prevent awkward interruptions or silence.

WowHer

7 Ways to Wow-Her

Besides flowers, jewelries and candlelight dinner, are there better ways to show our affection to our beloved girl? Here are 7 suggestions to make her feel loved, treasured and special.

Entertainment

Laugh together, not at her. Do not insult her intelligence, size or abilities, especially in front of others.

Enthusiasm

Be excited about her passion, her interest and her joys.

Empathy

When she shares her feelings; listen and empathize with her. Hug her when she needs to be comforted. Avoid interrupting her to provide solutions until she is receptive and ask you for it.

Exclusivity

Give her the respect as your partner. Treat her better than the others. Protect her from being hurt by others.

Effort

For couples that stay together, do put in the effort to clean up the mess and help out in household chores before she request you to do so.

Excuses

Stop giving excuses, be sincere to admit mistakes and apologize.

Ego

Since she loves you, she will hope the best for you. Consider her suggestions to improve without being defensive. Why let ego prevent you from being a better person and having a deeper relationship?

Hope these 7 E-tips will make your lover glow with love for you and empower your relationship. 

Happy Chinese Valentines Day!

7 Stages of Post Break Up

It was really nice of Radio station 938 to invite me down to share tips on emotional wellness over the airwaves on 16 July 2012. I thought it might be interesting to share with the listeners on breaking up, something usually painful and not easy to get over. One way of coping through such difficult times which may seem like a maze is to simplify it into 7 Stages of Post Break Up.  After breaking down it down into more manageable parts, we find ways to deal with them one at a time. I may have bitten a little bit more than I could chew as I was trying to explain over a 20-minute interview in nutshell on a topic which is better understood over a 1-day session that I conduct through interactive discussion.


1. Shock
The news of the break up comes as a sudden proverbial stab to the heart, to say the least.  The pain feels real enough though you cannot find any blood flowing out from your skin anywhere. But you may and usually find uncontrollable tears flowing out from you. You tell yourself, “This couldn't be happening to me!” And your body goes in a figurative state of shock, which feels real enough to those going through the break up. This sudden end in a relationship is a huge blow to your emotions and your senses shuts off to protect you from the pain. You feel numbness like a zombie, become totally disconnected from your surroundings, and your sense of time is lost, as likely will your appetite. You are in a state of confusion. You have difficulty in focusing on your studies if you are schooling, work if you are working. And even simple daily activities like eating, sleeping, writing your emails or adding a few numbers become disrupted as is your efficiency to carry them out. Some people may resort to alcohol or binging to distract themselves from the pain or numb themselves further.


2. Hope
After a somewhat recovery from the initial shock, the reality of the break up sets in. You refuse to accept the fact that he or she has left you and you desperately explore ideas, ways and possibilities to woo your ex-lover to come back.

You go all out to buy expensive gifts, perform acts of kindness and promise to repent for your past mistakes (even if they do not exist or know exactly what they are) to save the relationship. You attempt all possible ways to prove your love and get him or her back. You call and message your ex, hoping the relationship will revert to those perfect loving days. Some may do silly things; which is highly not recommended— like threaten to end their lives or injure themselves to get a response and hopefully, an ideal reconciliation from their lovers — I will not go into details but I am sure you have probably read one or two in the newspapers.

3. Rage
Now your dream of your happy marriage or future one is gone in a wisp of smoke. You are furious towards your ex-lover for spoiling the beautiful union that you worked out in your head. Blame him or her for causing you to be lonely single again. At this stage, emotions are raw with sudden outburst like crying, yelling or slamming of things. Out of revenge, some may expose compromising photos or videos of their ex online, which we as their friends sometimes unfortunately end up seeing.  Others might badmouth their ex, with the intention of making the ex suffer the way you had, and preferably more. Your actions frighten people, including the people around and ultimately yourself, when you reflect.

4. Bitterness
You are tired of crying, raging and trying to get him or her back. The energy has turned from hot-headed rage to cold bitterness as the reality settles in. You may have come to terms that this relationship is over. However the break up leaves  you scarred and scared of the world out there.  You become overly cautious, skeptical and biased about relationships. You may blame society or yourself for allowing this break up to happen. At this stage, ladies might generalize men as shallow, men may deemed women as materialistic. People around you can feel the negative vibes oozing out from you. Some acquaintance distanced themselves from you as they are uncomfortable with your self-absorbed, whiny and sarcastic disposition. Some people never leave this stage, which is an even bigger tragedy.

5. Dejection
Your self-esteem is bruised and you start to doubt your attractiveness and self worth. You see yourself as a social failure, sink into depression and feel sorry for yourself. You shun social activities, especially gatherings that involve couples and relatives. You have lost the confidence to socialize and no see the purpose to meet new friends. You are also afraid to go to places that you and your ex had been, for fear of evoking memories you had together. You carry a cloud of sadness and regret, bringing everything around you a notch down wherever you go. Friends and family wishes to bring you out and set you up for dating but you are too caught in your own sorrow and fears of failure to meet new friends. Even if you happen to meet someone suitable, you will not consider dating. I have met people who are stuck at this stage for years, which is a big shame.  I had a lady client who came to see me as she has not dated since her last break up 7 years ago. Before she knows it, she is already 39 year old (Luckily through help from LoveAgain, her emotional wellness is established. Now she is happily dating.).

6. Closure
The dark gloomy feelings have cleared. You reflect the past relationship and understand why it didn’t work rationally. There is control over emotional responses when you see your ex. You can even wish him or her happiness if you see them again. You accept that break up as part of your life, you learn from it positively and close this chapter of your life. You enjoy your independence, peace and confidence. You may be alone but do not feel lonely anymore. You feel more like a whole, peaceful and happy person again. This is the stage where the emotional baggages, stigmas or unrealistic expectations about relationships are greatly reduced if not totally shed. You are on the path to happiness!


7. Envision
The past experience had made you stronger and wiser with most of the bitterness gone. Your family and friends are delighted to see your new found ease, maturity and zeal. Your emotions evolve healthily and looked forward to developing connections on romantic level. You evaluate your criteria in looking for a life partner clearly and are willing to change your checklist base on suitability, wholesomeness and truthfulness. You can imagine the type of person you want to marry again. You are willing to share your life with others. You are open to dates, trust and love again! You decorate your calendar with social events to enlarge your network and catch up with old pals. You anticipate a wonderful, fulfilling and happy future.

Please note that this article was written based on general cases I’ve seen. These 7 Post Break Up stages are usually faced by most. However, not all the stages may occur to everyone nor follow the same sequential order. Some stages last longer than the other. But what is important is to seek assistance and get someone trained to support you in tough times like this.

Heartbreak is a complex event. It involves deep levels of healing and it is necessary to work with someone who can act as your mirror, to show you where you have been fractured and who can apply the correct intervention to help you heal in hours what would have taken years to recover. I encourage you to speak to a trained coach in heart break to help you manage your painful emotions and move on.

At LoveAgain, our heart break therapy consists of 7 stages of healing process to enable you to forgive, remove an emotional trauma, heal painful memories and gain a new perspective on life, feel like a whole person, have a vision of good healthy love, get empowered to pursue the vision and make better choices and attract the suitable people.

A single session at LoveAgain.sg allows you to let go of past hurt, anger and betrayal. Click here to find out more…

on the Roof with a Blind Man

Ciudades Paralelas (Parallel Cities): Roof – Review
National Arts Council approached Clique Wise to support their events. We booked the entire show for Roof – a blend of reality and theatrical presentation. I chose this event as I am curious to find out how a blind man leads his life.

It turned out to be a memorable, intimate and touching experience for all of us! One of the best arts event I've attended!

Daniel reaching out to us with his friendly smile and hand shake.

During the event, Daniel shared about how he lose his eyesight, the kampong he grew up in, how he was educated, what he does for a living, the places he has been, the mountains he has climbed and the sports medals he has received. During his free time, he composes songs with a guitar. We were utterly amazed by him!

Yet we have our mixed feelings...

The feelings are:

Impressed
The more we get to know Daniel, the more impressed we are his achievement, talents and zeal for life! Despite his disability, it didn't stop him from leading an active, healthy and fulfilling life. Daniel embrace life as every opportunity to be happy. There is no trace of bitterness in him at all! He is filled with more warmth, contentment and peace than anyone of us! He inspires us to pursue our dreams!

Empathy
We are happy that Daniel faces life positively. Deep down, we feel sorry for him. He could have done more exciting sports, travelled further and enjoyed more of God's creation if he could see. We felt for him when he told us that he lost his eye sight gradually since young. It must have been scary for a boy to lose it slowly. But he grew up to be such a positive, open-minded and diligent person, that, it is inappropriate and unneccessary for us to express our sympathy for him.

Ashamed
We are embarrassed to compare his achievements with ours. As we listened to him, we could only reflect and appreciate what we have more dearly.

Roof top view along Arab Street Singapore

Towards the end of the event, he brought us to a rooftop, strummed the guitar and sang us songs. The sunset, the colourful night scape, the rain, the buzz of Arab street and his voice soothed the mixed feelings. We bid him farewell, thanked him for an unforgettable evening and wish him well sincerely.

Thank you Daniel, for being a beacon of light, shining brightly in joy, wisdom and hope.

Too shallow to learn?

Are Singapore men shallow and arrogant?
Recently, actress Felicia Chin remarked that Singapore men are shallow and arrogant. Not all the local men I've met are such. I have come across many fun, gentlemenly and wise Singaporean men. However, I can understand why she said so.

1. Many ladies (both foreigners and local) have feedback to me that some local men lack conversation skill. In social setting, everyone is expected to socialise. But these men couldn't engage. It could be due to the following reasons:

• Limited conversation topics. They hardly read, unaware of current affairs. Thus they are short of content to keep the conversation alive.
• Low confidence and unable to express themselves well.
• When others try to get the conversation rolling, they are not keen to take part or do not know how to response. They are only interested to talk about subjects that they are keen in or talk to pretty girls. But without good conversational social skills, pretty girls will not go on date with them.
• Upbringing and environment. No good role model to learn social skills from.

2. I've heard local men who claimed that their ex-girlfriends dumped them as their earning power is lower than her expectations. But some of these ex-girlfriends explained that the break up was due to other reasons like clashing character, lack of understanding and communication, his passiveness, his bad temper and his unwilling to compromise. Instead of enquiring, reflecting and learning from the break-up, these shallow and arrogant men push the blame to their ex-girlfriends for being materialistic.

3. When shallow, low self-esteem men meet women are more outspoken, qualified, confident, outstanding and successful than them, they feel intimidated. Before getting to know these ladies, they labelled these ladies as high maintenance, demanding or unapproachable. They will not consider dating these women, and would prefer to date women who need them more, ie: women who are  financially or politically dependent on them to stay in the country. It made me wonder why these men go into relationship? Is it to have someone whom he can relate to and support each other emotionally? Is it for love? Or is it fill their void of self-worth? What kind of women will go for him? How is he going to manage if she becomes more successful than him eventually?

Singapore men are kind, down-to-earth and honest, I value these qualities in them. I’m writing this not to put local men down; but to give them hope and encourage them to better themselves. When there's a will, there's a way. My main concern here: Are local men willing to learn? Are they willing to be a better man?

There are many simple ways our local men could improve, eg: keeping updates on current affairs, reading up, getting a personal life coach and attending courses on communication with opposite gender and social skills. These will empower Singapore men to be more attractive, confident and connect with ladies well! I hope local men will become popular for desirable reasons.

Chess

After running an international chess workshop for Clique Wise today, I realised 5 benefits of this age-old game.

Marco, from The Chess School, was explaining the game rules and strategies.

Benefits of Playing Chess:

1) Brain Health
Mental exercise is as important as physical exercise. Playing chess stimulates thinking and stretch our brain muscles, thereby improving our memory and helping us to be mentally alert to make decisions better and faster. Unlike mah-jong which has the risk of losing money, chess is a wholesome game to protect the mental faculties of senior citizens from degenerating.

2) Learning abilities
Research has shown that playing chess enhances learning development of kids. This game cultivates analytical reasoning ability and problem-solving skills; which is especially useful in mathematics and science.

3) Concentration
Build mental endurance as the game requires the players to stay calm and focused over long period of time.

4) Understand other's character
As we observe our opponent's facial expression and body language during the chess game, we get to know them more, as such we could manage the relationship better.

5) Social
Research has shown that playing chess fosters confidence, self-esteem and social skills. With healthy brain, we are able to establish more meaningful relationships.

Chess is a brilliant, interactive and fascinating game that enriches the mind and our social experience with people. A well fought game can be a fulfilling experience. Hope more will pick up this game, enjoy and favour from it!

My second game of chess. Thanks to all the coaching, White won.
To make the learning more interesting, I challenged the trainers to help Black win.

Giving Receiving

I was invited to help out in a charity project from Mustardseed Outreach Program. It is a non-religious/political welfare group formed by a bunch of compassionate people. The purpose of this project is to friend-friend the folks in a one-room flat at Aljunied. The committee got Angbaos and oranges to prep the residents for the Lunar New Year. We wore red to add to the festive cheer!

Based on feedback, other welfare organization do provide groceries to this block regularly. Most living here are lonely elderly or needy. Some hardly walk out of their home due to illness or pain on their legs. What's in need is emotional support. Everyone need friends to yak with. Hence, Mustardseed Outreach Program's focus is to spend time with them, listen to their stories and show that we care.

We were grouped in threes. My team members were encouraging, jovial and caring. Most of the residents welcomed our friendship! On the average, we spend about 20 min per household. We took down notes so the future volunteers who meet them will have a better picture. As much as possible, we arrange volunteers who are familiar with the residents to follow up. 

My team members and I received Angbao and Kopi-powder from the residents instead.

While we were caught up in the giving and caring mode... A friendly resident passed a bag of potent Vietnamese coffee powder to us. Then another kind elderly loving lady insisted on giving us Angbao! Kinda awkward leh... We are supposed to bless them not receive from them!

We wondered why she gave us Angbao. Maybe we come across as kiddos, or maybe it's the Chinese custom to return kindness. After 5 min of pushing, the gentle lady said "If you don't keep this Angbao, next time don't visit me!" With that, we surrendered.

I am touched by their warmth, positivity and contentment with life. The two of them may not have much, yet they recognise the joy of giving. Why deprive them of this simple joy? It can be hurtful to reject their kindness too. I thanked them for warming my heart this Lunar New Year! Sincerely wish more will have the wisdom to give as well as receive.

PS, the Angbao received was donated to the Mustardseed Outreach Program.

Taiwan - Sun Moon Lake

After the Singles Day celebration dating event on 11 Nov, I flew to Taiwan to join my family for a holiday the next morning.

When I saw this breath-taking view from my room at the Lalu, I was awed speechless. It's a Chinese painting came to live! I was mesmerized by the grandeur of God's creation. I felt small compared to the huge mountains yet connected... Connected with self, God and nature.


Enjoy the panorama view taken from my Canon camera, without tripod.

What an ultra refreshing experience!

Thank God for this wonderful holiday to feel in touch with nature, especially when it was shared with my loved ones.

9 Essential Social Events Etiquette for Singles

Many articles have been written on dating, few define the acceptable social graces of attending a single’s event. Here, Lydia shares some practical networking tips.

Be friendly
Keep an open mind, relax, smile and have eye contact. Tell yourself it is an event that gives you a chance to be social and have fun meeting more people of the opposite sex and varied interests/ background.

Always take a lighter side of things and appreciate their efforts to be humorous and, witty. Not everyone shares the same sense of humour. Be gracious to participants who are shy and slower to open up to people. A lady friend ever confided in me that a rude guy walked out of her before she could finish her sentence during a speed-dating. She was so affected that she was unable to attend single events for almost a year.

Don't be hasty to judge against others because of gender differences in communication.

Be aware of proper dining and networking etiquette by eating slowly and enjoying the conversation. The focus should be on the people, not on the food or getting drunk.

Be kind even though that person may not appeal to you, their friends might and people do talk.

Show an interest in others
Great conversationalists are set apart by their ability to make any conversational partner feel like the only person in the room. Everyone likes to feel special and people, even very shy people, like to talk about themselves, so let them and show a genuine interest in what they are saying. In our fast-paced society, taking the time to show an interest in another person is a rare and valued commodity. Maintain friendly eye contact. Show sincerity in knowing them as a person. When you promise to call then, please do so. Why promise something you don't intend to do and risk having bad reputation as someone without integrity?

Conversation topics
Heavy topics like marriage, past relationships, income, religion, politics, complaints or distasteful jokes (sexist, racist, religious, etc.) should be avoided as it might scare the person away on the first meeting. Keep the conversation light on hobbies, food, movies, music or upcoming events. Be conscious of ‘showing off’ and dominate the conversation as it may come across as being arrogant and self-centred. Try not to ‘win’ or get the upper hand at each statement the other just said. It is not a debate.

Dress right for the occasion
Check out with the organizers on the dress code for the event. When you turn up dressed appropriately, it shows that you care enough to make the effort to impress. It also reflects that you respect the occasion, the people attending the event and yourself! Do turn up on clean and pressed clothes. Personal hygiene is also very important. Greasy and untidy hair is definitely out. Ladies do put on some light makeup.

Don't overdress or dress too revealingly as you may project the wrong image. Social events featured in Wow-Her.com are for people who are serious about making friends, exploring possibility of relationship and hopefully marriage.

Establish connections
Learn the art of making small talk, establish some connections so that your new found friends has a deeper impression of you when you contact them again. For example, you met Lady A during an event and both of you share the love of scuba diving, so when you sms / email her to meet for the first date, do mention that you are the guy who enjoys scuba diving as much as she does. Give them something to remember you by. We meet about 20 to 40 people per event. Not everyone has a super memory to remember everyone.

Hogging
You may meet someone that captures your heart so much that you want to make him or her yours. To prevent competition, you decide to spend the rest of the event talking to her only. However he or she may not share the same sentiments. Be gracious enough to let him or her interact with others too. Being possessive does not reflect well on you.

Punctuality
Same goes for being punctual, it creates the right impression that you respect others enough not to make them wait. If you happen to be late due to circumstances beyond your control (e.g. bad traffic conditions), do apologize to the organizer and the participants for delaying the start the activities. As organizers, we need the cooperation of everyone before we can efficiently facilitate the lined-up programmes on the event.

Safety
At the end of the social event, the guys may offer to send the ladies home. Some ladies may not be comfortable to let him know where they stay. In this case, respect her privacy. Offer to walk her to the bus-stop or taxi stand instead. She will be grateful that you respect her decision and care for her safety too.

Follow Up
After the event, you may want to contact people whom you wish to get to know better and explore possibilities of friendship or even a relationship. The social event is just a platform to meet singles, subsequent friendship can be only forged by staying in contact. Asking a person to meet up for a second time just means that you would like to get to know the person better. It does not necessarily mean a steady relationship has been agreed to. A firm relationship takes time to develop. So relax and enjoy dating different people.

There are cases when you felt obliged to give your email address to another participant during an event as everyone else was exchanging contacts. If the person makes the sincere effort to contact you but they are not exactly your type; how then do you handle the matter?

How do you decline a date? Gracefully. Just say politely “No thank you, I am not interested.” If they persist, then you can ignore them. No matter how incompatible you are, you should reply to their emails or sms. It is just basic courtesy. Moreover, it reflects on whether or not you have class and refinement. I have received feedback from many guys that they felt upset and rejected by ladies who did not bother to reply and they gave up on dating women. My advice for these guys is not to take a failed encounter as a permanent setback.

Attending singles activities can be very enjoyable and enriching now that you know the do's and don'ts. Have courage to keep meeting people from all walks of life and enjoy the fellowship of your new-found friends! ~ Lydia Gan