Discipline

Confidence or Cockiness?

What is the difference between confidence and cockiness?

Confidence emerges from in-depth observation, wealth of knowledge and real-life experience. One can be humble yet confident of what they are doing. A confident person is humble to listen, adjust and learn from  situations.

Cockiness or arrogance boils from an ultra-inflated ego. Arrogant people insists they are right without the details of knowledge to back them up. However they do not make the effort to discover the truth for themselves. They insist they are right based on pride. They just want to prove they are better from the people they rebel towards (higher authorities) or the people they compete with (peers). Making decisions based on arrogant mindset can cause huge mistakes.

It takes wisdom to be confident and identify people who are confident.

For employers, choose staffs who are confident in their knowledge, professionalism and commitment level. They are confident as they are aware of their worth and ability to contribute to the company.

For experienced employees, please chose bosses who are confident to discuss knowledge and experience with you. Arrogant insecure managers will not appreciate your knowledge or experience. In fact, they are most likely to feel threatened by you.

Happy Teacher's Day

Traditionally, we celebrate Teacher's Day in academic school only. Nowadays people continue learning after they leave school. People attend classes to pick up new industry knowledge, trending hobby, foreign language, life skills and executive coaching to sharpen their management abilities.

Wikipedia defines Teacher is a person who helps others to acquire knowledge, competences or values. Based on this, teacher go beyond academic setting which could include career development and personal growth as well. The trainers, mentors and coaches in adult-learning put in as much research, energy and passion as any teachers in school. We give our best to be an educator who informs, illuminates and inspires students to reach their goals.

This coming Teacher's Day, I wish more and more learners would include trainers, coaches and mentors in their Teacher's Day greetings or celebration as well. 😊

With this, I wish to dedicate this meaningful day to all my fellow trainers, coaches and teachers. Be blessed with the joy and strength to shine every hearts. Have a very fulfilling Teacher's Day!

Communication

You are commanded by your boss to attend an industry networking party. You reached the party and did not find any familiar faces. Everyone is talking among themselves and you don’t know what to do to get to know new friends. You stand at one corner, feeling lonely, shy and clueless. How to network?

Your best friend invited you to be the emcee for his church wedding. You could not turn down his offer and wonder what to say to the wedding guests. You searched for ideas online and find the information irrelevant to Singapore’s context. You wrote a simple speech but somehow you started having butterflies in your stomach. You are afraid to mess up your best friend’s wedding. Panic! You wish there was a software you can buy, a button that you can press, to download your prepared speech into your brain and play when you wish to present it like Obama. You worried. How to host a wedding speech?

Whether it is networking or public oration, it is all about good communication. What is an interesting conversation? What is eloquent public speaking? What constitute effective communication? Based on my experience as an event faciliator and trainer, let me share with you what I’ve learnt in 3 points:

1. Organized
As we speak, we are presenting our thoughts, ideas and feelings. That is actually a lot of content for the audience to digest. Make it easy for them with an organized flow of information, from introduction of character, story, ending and conclusion. This will make it is simpler for the audience to comprehend the content. With appropriate usage of the English language, vocal projection, diction, body movement and pace between words, the quality of the speech is enhanced.

2. Engaging
Speaking is about connecting with our audience. Before we can achieve this, we have to get the audience’s attention first. Hence it is important we make the speech entertaining, enticing and palatable. It’s just like a chef putting extra effort to add garnish on the food, presenting it in the most delicious way so that people will buy his food.

Engaging speech comes in many forms. Besides laughter-inducing jokes, engaging speech can be in the form of sob sob melodrama or brilliant household tips that makes our lives easier. We make the speech entertaining to get audience’s attention, get them thinking and get responses! Key is to generate interest, illicit desired reaction and achieve our purpose. Which bring us to the last point Purpose.

Short yet effective speech to empower

3. Purpose
It is essential to attach a purpose to our speaking, so as to make the communication meaningful. There are many reasons why we speak. It could be about getting to know your date, sharing our life story to our little nephew, or telling our colleagues benefits of drinking alkaline water. We have to speak with a clear objective in mind. When we speak clearly, audience understands our message clearly. We could build relationships, expand our influence and inspire others.

Now you know the basics of good speaking, you realised good communication is achievable! Are you interested to see more live examples of eloquent speeches? Are you keen to practice your speeches and perfect your speaking skills? Do you want to be able to articulate on current affairs smoothly?

Good news is at toastmasters clubs you could! There are many Toastmasters club in Singapore. Personally I have benefitted greatly from it. Toastmasters have well-rounded course structure, conducive environment and encouraging members to motivate you to achieve this. You could also  sharpen your communication skills at your own comfortable pace. It is very affordable, eg: S$72 per term at Braddell Heights Toatsmasters Club.

With exposure, practice and support of your coach, you could make small talk in social events confidently, persuade your clients eloquently and present a speech on your best friend’s wedding elegantly. Let’s enjoy good communication skills together!

7 Stages of Post Break Up

It was really nice of Radio station 938 to invite me down to share tips on emotional wellness over the airwaves on 16 July 2012. I thought it might be interesting to share with the listeners on breaking up, something usually painful and not easy to get over. One way of coping through such difficult times which may seem like a maze is to simplify it into 7 Stages of Post Break Up.  After breaking down it down into more manageable parts, we find ways to deal with them one at a time. I may have bitten a little bit more than I could chew as I was trying to explain over a 20-minute interview in nutshell on a topic which is better understood over a 1-day session that I conduct through interactive discussion.


1. Shock
The news of the break up comes as a sudden proverbial stab to the heart, to say the least.  The pain feels real enough though you cannot find any blood flowing out from your skin anywhere. But you may and usually find uncontrollable tears flowing out from you. You tell yourself, “This couldn't be happening to me!” And your body goes in a figurative state of shock, which feels real enough to those going through the break up. This sudden end in a relationship is a huge blow to your emotions and your senses shuts off to protect you from the pain. You feel numbness like a zombie, become totally disconnected from your surroundings, and your sense of time is lost, as likely will your appetite. You are in a state of confusion. You have difficulty in focusing on your studies if you are schooling, work if you are working. And even simple daily activities like eating, sleeping, writing your emails or adding a few numbers become disrupted as is your efficiency to carry them out. Some people may resort to alcohol or binging to distract themselves from the pain or numb themselves further.


2. Hope
After a somewhat recovery from the initial shock, the reality of the break up sets in. You refuse to accept the fact that he or she has left you and you desperately explore ideas, ways and possibilities to woo your ex-lover to come back.

You go all out to buy expensive gifts, perform acts of kindness and promise to repent for your past mistakes (even if they do not exist or know exactly what they are) to save the relationship. You attempt all possible ways to prove your love and get him or her back. You call and message your ex, hoping the relationship will revert to those perfect loving days. Some may do silly things; which is highly not recommended— like threaten to end their lives or injure themselves to get a response and hopefully, an ideal reconciliation from their lovers — I will not go into details but I am sure you have probably read one or two in the newspapers.

3. Rage
Now your dream of your happy marriage or future one is gone in a wisp of smoke. You are furious towards your ex-lover for spoiling the beautiful union that you worked out in your head. Blame him or her for causing you to be lonely single again. At this stage, emotions are raw with sudden outburst like crying, yelling or slamming of things. Out of revenge, some may expose compromising photos or videos of their ex online, which we as their friends sometimes unfortunately end up seeing.  Others might badmouth their ex, with the intention of making the ex suffer the way you had, and preferably more. Your actions frighten people, including the people around and ultimately yourself, when you reflect.

4. Bitterness
You are tired of crying, raging and trying to get him or her back. The energy has turned from hot-headed rage to cold bitterness as the reality settles in. You may have come to terms that this relationship is over. However the break up leaves  you scarred and scared of the world out there.  You become overly cautious, skeptical and biased about relationships. You may blame society or yourself for allowing this break up to happen. At this stage, ladies might generalize men as shallow, men may deemed women as materialistic. People around you can feel the negative vibes oozing out from you. Some acquaintance distanced themselves from you as they are uncomfortable with your self-absorbed, whiny and sarcastic disposition. Some people never leave this stage, which is an even bigger tragedy.

5. Dejection
Your self-esteem is bruised and you start to doubt your attractiveness and self worth. You see yourself as a social failure, sink into depression and feel sorry for yourself. You shun social activities, especially gatherings that involve couples and relatives. You have lost the confidence to socialize and no see the purpose to meet new friends. You are also afraid to go to places that you and your ex had been, for fear of evoking memories you had together. You carry a cloud of sadness and regret, bringing everything around you a notch down wherever you go. Friends and family wishes to bring you out and set you up for dating but you are too caught in your own sorrow and fears of failure to meet new friends. Even if you happen to meet someone suitable, you will not consider dating. I have met people who are stuck at this stage for years, which is a big shame.  I had a lady client who came to see me as she has not dated since her last break up 7 years ago. Before she knows it, she is already 39 year old (Luckily through help from LoveAgain, her emotional wellness is established. Now she is happily dating.).

6. Closure
The dark gloomy feelings have cleared. You reflect the past relationship and understand why it didn’t work rationally. There is control over emotional responses when you see your ex. You can even wish him or her happiness if you see them again. You accept that break up as part of your life, you learn from it positively and close this chapter of your life. You enjoy your independence, peace and confidence. You may be alone but do not feel lonely anymore. You feel more like a whole, peaceful and happy person again. This is the stage where the emotional baggages, stigmas or unrealistic expectations about relationships are greatly reduced if not totally shed. You are on the path to happiness!


7. Envision
The past experience had made you stronger and wiser with most of the bitterness gone. Your family and friends are delighted to see your new found ease, maturity and zeal. Your emotions evolve healthily and looked forward to developing connections on romantic level. You evaluate your criteria in looking for a life partner clearly and are willing to change your checklist base on suitability, wholesomeness and truthfulness. You can imagine the type of person you want to marry again. You are willing to share your life with others. You are open to dates, trust and love again! You decorate your calendar with social events to enlarge your network and catch up with old pals. You anticipate a wonderful, fulfilling and happy future.

Please note that this article was written based on general cases I’ve seen. These 7 Post Break Up stages are usually faced by most. However, not all the stages may occur to everyone nor follow the same sequential order. Some stages last longer than the other. But what is important is to seek assistance and get someone trained to support you in tough times like this.

Heartbreak is a complex event. It involves deep levels of healing and it is necessary to work with someone who can act as your mirror, to show you where you have been fractured and who can apply the correct intervention to help you heal in hours what would have taken years to recover. I encourage you to speak to a trained coach in heart break to help you manage your painful emotions and move on.

At LoveAgain, our heart break therapy consists of 7 stages of healing process to enable you to forgive, remove an emotional trauma, heal painful memories and gain a new perspective on life, feel like a whole person, have a vision of good healthy love, get empowered to pursue the vision and make better choices and attract the suitable people.

A single session at LoveAgain.sg allows you to let go of past hurt, anger and betrayal. Click here to find out more…

Rejection

With Radio DJ Janice Teo

I was invited to 938Live radio station for an interview in the program Need to Know. I spoke on the topic rejection management and heart break therapy.

Here is what Janice and I have discussed on rejection management:

Why did you set up LoveAgain.sg?
I see the importance of heart wellness. Scientific truths show inter-relationship between the heart and the body. Emotive issues are severe enough to damage our body if left unchecked (eg increase heart failure and doubled the risk of asthma development). Hence I set up LoveAgain, we specialise in helping the broken-hearted deal with their loss.

LoveAgain.sg is a consultancy which conducts personalised coaching session for individuals to strengthen their emotional wellness.

When we are sick, we see doctors. When our emotions are hurting, we see trained coaches/counsellors to help us manage our emotions and ease the heartache. Heart aches can take many years to heal, when proper help is rendered, it can speed up healing by up to 75%.

About LoveAgain's research on managing rejection
In a rejection management survey done by LoveAgain last December, an overwhelming majority (70%) of those surveyed have actually experienced some form of harassment before, be it offensive content, someone trying to ask them out for a date or from an annoying ex – friend/lover.

38% simply ignore the advances hoping they would give up eventually. 13% claimed dating someone else. However the same cannot be said if the person was on the receiving end of being rejected. 32% would rather be told straight in the face “No” while 31% would prefer a slightly gentler yet no less honest approach saying they were only regarded as a pal and simply no further. This is in contrast to only 22% who wanted to be given the excuse that the other party was busy!

The perspective from each side
It can be sweet, elating and fun receiving 30 SMSes/calls a day from someone you like, but sometimes one may not appreciate the oncoming advances expressing affection.

A lady told me she felt disturbed to receive unsolicited SMSes/calls from men she have no intention of developing the relationship to the next level. She usually ignores them as she does not want to hurt their feelings. Also she does not know how to turn them down. If she happens to meet them on the street she will feel embarrassed and shun these guys.

An eligible ex-client said: "I have met ladies whom I had good chats and exchanged contacts. Yet when I initiated to ask them out just to know them more as a friend, they didn’t reply. It kept me wondering what had gone wrong that causes them to ignore me. I felt discouraged. I wished they have said ‘I see you as a friend but hope you find someone more suitable for you.’ I would have felt better with a proper closure. Luckily I took Lydia's advice not be affected by these incidents but to foster positive thoughts and I continue to socialise. Eventually I met his lovely wife. We got married last year."

How to reject
When someone approached you for a date, reply them graciously even if you are not keen to develop the relationship to the next level with them. Avoid ignoring, mocking or leading the person on.

Singapore is pretty small, you might meet the person again. Give a proper closure, you could say “I see you as a sibling, hope you find someone who deserves your love.” The person will have more respect for you. It shows that you are gracious, tactful and have good upbringing.

How to handle rejection
Do not see it as a personal rejection. The person might have specific criterias like matching lifestyle or values when it comes to looking for a date/partner. You just happen to be different from what they want.

How to know when to be persistent or back off
56% defined harassment as anything more than 3, but less than 15 unsolicited SMSes or calls in a day. Anything above 15 is considered as threatening. The receiver is ready to make police report! If there are no reply after 3 tries, delete the telephone number and move on! No lost!

How have expectations with social graces evolved?
Expectation in social graces has evolved with times. As we are bombarded with lots of information daily, threshold for unwanted attention has lowered. What used to be regarded as persistence in expressing one's love and affection for another is now more commonly deemed as harassment.

How do coaching sessions update an individual’s social skills or ‘dateability’?
These dating courses enable singles to be socially more aware of the current dos + don’ts and identify their blind spots. Takes a wise, socially sharp and experienced person to be able highlight the rooms for improvement. With knowledge comes confidence. And being confident is an attractive quality!

For more information about LoveAgain, please visit www.loveagain.sg

11 Reasons Why Singles Are Not Dating in Singapore

11 Reasons Why Singles Are Not Dating in Singapore
This article is featured in AsiaOne online magazine in 2007

1. Lack of Confidence
Have you ever woke up early in the morning, looked at yourself in the mirror and wonder, “Who will ever love me?” Low self-esteem and fear of rejection can cause such episodes to cripple anyone’s love life! As long as such thoughts are foremost in the mind, singles will be unable to take the all important step to initiate a date or accept a date.

2. Clueless In Love
Gone out with a date who looks like he just woke up, hasn’t brushed his teeth, doesn’t open the door for you and picks his nose at the table? You’re probably not alone. Lack of grooming, communication skills, social and dating etiquette can spell disaster for any potential social opportunities. Want to network, impress someone on a date or connect with anyone in a relationship? Better pick up a copy of Grooming and Etiquette for Dummies.

3. Denying the Coming of Age
Mommy’s Boy and Daddy’s Princess. These big kids can’t face up to the fact that they are adult and of marriageable age. They prefer to remain pampered as mummy’s boys and daddy’s princesses. Either too spoilt or too sheltered to take the next big step, better go buy a lottery ticket if they actually decide to settle down.

4. Wa Bo-Chap! (I Can’t Be Bothered)
They think it is cool to “act cool” about their marital status. When their motto is “Singles have more fun!”, there really isn’t any impetus to get out of this single’s comfort zone. And even if they do want to get attached, they really expect their other half to accept all their bad habits wholesale. Don't expect them to change or compromise anything.

5. Consistently “Not Ready for Relationship”
The most commonly heard “default” reason for the “un-dating” singles. These singles are “Not Ready for a Relationship” and they are reluctant to do anything constructive to get themselves ready. The thing is, as long as you’re not ready for a relationship, you’ll never find yourself in one!

6. Kia Pai-Seh lah (Scared to be Embarrassed)
Another addition to the popular Singaporean syndromes of being Kia-Su and Kia-Si is Kia Pai-Seh - the fear of “losing face”. Sufferers of such a syndrome won’t be caught dead dating someone or attending any singles events or courses on dating etiquette. To them, it is like announcing to the whole world that they are desperate to get out of single hood. Grow up! There is nothing wrong with wanting to get hitched. Human beings are born to procreate. Be proactive about our dating lives! It is more practical to attend social events to get to know more singles friends then sitting around waiting for a life-partner to drop from heaven!

7. Being Commitment Phobic
This phobia is the inability or unwillingness to share their life with someone else or absolve themselves of past hurts. While it can be a valid and emotionally debilitating phobia, a lot depends on whether the single in question recognises the phobia for what it is. Once the phobia is recognised, there are life coaches, counsellors, self-help books, forums and informative websites that singles can turn to. The trick, as always, is to first recognise that you do have that problem!

8. No Money
For the financially insecure, we can understand when men lament “No money to buy expensive dinners, how to date?” or when a girl said “No money to buy little black dress, how to impress any date?” Well, the good news is dating is about fun. There are many ways to create fun without having to spend lots of money. Fun is all about looking into each other’s eyes and laughing together!

9. Too Busy
Drained after a hard day’s work and other commitments, is there no more room for romance? Find the well-spring of strength and stamina that is inside everyone. The youth in Hong Kong work as hard as Singaporeans, and their lifestyle is as stressful than ours. But they adopt a work hard, play harder mentality which makes them such a vibrant population. Their singles are still able to make time and effort to date. How much is companionship worth to you?

10. Haven’t met someone suitable yet…
There are 600,000 singles out there in Singapore! If I had a dollar for every single out there, I’d consider myself rich! 600,000 singles and not one suitable? I am sure you can find one that can clique well with you. The question really ought to be “Are you making the effort to meet them?”

11. Am I a Homosexual?
You mean you’re still unsure?! Well, for those who are still unsure of their sexual orientation (even now!), I would suggest they see a counsellor first… I definitely wouldn’t want to date someone who is still wondering if he is a gay!

Given the above 11 reasons why singles are not dating, I would like to salute everyone who is attached or married for their courage to change, to give love and to receive love.

Especially to those have attended singles events and coaching sessions; I am very proud of your confidence to face your single-hood, and to have the wisdom to be open and proactive enough to participate in enriching your lives. These are very attractive qualities. Keep it up!

For singles who have taken a lifetime vow of celibacy, we respect your decision and wish you all the best. May the love and strength of your God be with you always.

For the singles who aren’t dating and wish to start somewhere, LoveAgain.sg has the expertise to equip you with all the skills you need. From customized coaching on attraction, dating etiquette and grooming we are committed to bring out the “Wow” factor in you! Click here for variety of social events to launch your love life!

Winning the Age Old Game of Love

Winning the Age Old Game of Love
This article written by Lydia Gan was featured in Romancing Singapore Website in 2007

So… the eyes met, conversation was good, the mood was set and the feeling has been mutual. You exchanged contact numbers and then? What’s next? If you don’t have a game plan, it may be doomed before it ever gets started.

Fortunately or unfortunately, you are not the only one. We set the scene for you, step by step to win this age old game of love!

Planning for the First Date

Arrange the date few days in advance, avoid last minute request as this increases the possibility of your date turning you down. Rejection does affect your confidence to ask him or her out again. Besides you do not want to be seen as THAT desperate.

Choose a day that you are least stressed up, so if Monday is loonly – leave the “Mondays” OUT. Have enough rest for the day – or risk looking haggard in front of your date. Go on the date feeling your best and being your best.

Give 100% of your attention to your date. Show genuine interest, listen and get to know about each other. Relationship is about communication, dating is not about “what you know” and “what you can do” or “how much you have” bRAg-a-tHOn. Give your date the due attention. Leave your blackberry alone for a while and a little human attention might just go a long way.

Last but not least, plan with your date’s comfort in mind, appropriate setting and date movies to watch. If you think that she/he might not enjoy the setting – most likely the chances are that you are right. A little asking will do a world of charm.

Maximize Your Appearance

How many of you heard the saying “beauty lies in the eye of the beholder?” – well that is a excuse to be lazy. You know that the first impression counts, I know that it matters so here at Wow-Her.Com we state our belief that L-O-O-K-S DOES MATTER. We speak the truth.

Suppose you saw an unkempt date that turns up wearing shoddy outfit looking like a refugee from some lost world at a posh restaurant dinner. Chances are that you will discreetly leave him to find his direction home – alone.

Face it, if you do not respect your date – then don’t be hurt by their action to leave you to your due desserts.

Give credit to your looks and dress up! In doing so it does shows respect to your date and to the occasion. Dress right and appropriately on the date, if you are going for a theme “PJ” party with your date then by ALL MEANS. Dress in your boxes – Point is; dress right. Enough said. Please get the drift as there is so much we can repeat.

On the other hand, to some of our readers, don’t wear your black power suit on the first date… very overpowering if the date is set in a causal setting like a hawker center. What if the Kopi-auntie laughs at your dressing efforts? It would be a very sad case right. Not to mentioned that your date would be present.

The last thing you want to remind your date is work; who wants to know how much paper work you need to fill up and how important you are? If you are sincere and genuinely likes your date, you want her/him to get to know you better as a person and not what you do, but who you are. (*Remember that)

So take off that coat and reveal some friendly colours or styles. This will set your date in for the romantic mode.

Colours play an important factor in expressing yourself. Some people look bright and cheerful in lime green, while others might look like a glowing string bean. Wear colours that bring out the best of your skin tone, to appear friendlier and warm.

Select clothing styles that are right for you base on your body type. Camouflage the flaws and play up your best body features. Get an image consultant to help you find your best colours, fits and styles. (*for the clueless – this helps, trust us)

Mindset

It is only natural to be nervous, and to prevent yourself from yakking in fear, calm yourself down, remove the nervous vibes by having a happy song playing at the back of your mind. *Remember -- It is better to speak clearer and slower than mumble.

Adopt a “Seriously, don’t be too serious” attitude. Keep the date light and fun, happy vibes are infectious, keep laughter and smiles always and remember to keep the admiration and respect in place. After all you want your date to remember you for the good times you had together! *Note to Type-A personalities; NO ONE propose or wants to marry a date on a first date; try your best to keep it to the 10th date.

Dating is about knowing more about the other party, what they like and how they feel about things. It is also discovering your own preference. The more you date, the clearer you have in mind who you want to spend the rest of your life with.

For the end result of finding love, all the effort put forth is well worth it! Happy dating!