Qualities of good lover

Often, people would associate a desirable partner as someone young, pretty and well-endowed. Based on my years of relationship coaching and matchmaking, I find that physical attractiveness has little to do with keeping the long term relationship alive. After asking many happy couples on the essentials required to keep their lengthy relationship glowing, I gathered 9 attractive characteristics that good lovers embrace:

1. Faithful 

Adultery cuts the heart deeply. A good lover recognises the drastic effects of betrayal. As they cherish you, they try their best to protect your heart from being hurt. They give you the priority and commitment as their spouse.

2. Assuring

They reaffirm their love through words and actions. When you have done something wrong unintentionally, they are not over critical or condemning. They are gracious to give you the safety net to be imperfect. Besides accepting you for who you are, they make an effort to demonstrate their love, eg: cooking your favorite oxtail stew and giving you a massage after a tiring day.

3. Respect

• Personal choices
  Good lovers respect your choice. They will not force you to change your preference or do anything against your will. 
• Feelings
  As they would listen patiently without passing mean judgemental remarks; you know you could share your views and feelings with ease. They care enough to cushion their words with kindness so as to prevent hurting your feelings. They appreciate the efforts you have put in for them with encouraging words.
• Honor
  They sincerely honor you in their communications with you, they treat you with respect and love; not just in public but in private as well. I have a relative who would smile sweetly and agrees with her husband in public’s eye. Weather would turn completely when others are not around— She becomes cold and demanding toward him.
• Exclusive relationship
  They give you reverence by mentioning you to opposite gender whom they have just met. I've noticed people who evade their marital status so they could flirt around as if they are single and available.
• Ties
  They treat your friends and family with respect. They are supportive to attend social occasions together with you.

4. Trust

Partners with confidence in you would give you space to pursue your hobbies and enjoy some time alone. In the stressful city, you need time out to connect with yourself or your buddies. Good lovers are understanding but not self-absorbed in their insecurities.

5. Affectionate

Hugging is the simplest way to build people up emotionally.  Valuable lovers understand humans physical need to feel accepted and hug their partner liberally. My hubby and I give each other a number of loving hugs every day. We enjoy every magical moment of our embrace. In addition, we feel lighter and happier after each hug.

Good lovers are not detached or distant; they are comfortable to hold your hands or hug you without sex in their agenda.  They are more than willing to show the world their love for you and spend quality time with you too.

6. Stable

Being emotionally healthy; they are able to communicate their thoughts and feelings peacefully without staging any “drama”. In other words, they do not spite, wail, scream, threaten or slam things to get their point across. They avoid actions which are destructive to the relationship.

7. Teachable

They are open to evaluate themselves, listen to feedback, willing to learn new ways to better themselves and try new things to add sizzle to the relationship. Neither stubborn or self-centred, they have good self-esteem and humbleness to know they do not have to win every conversation. They are willing to compromise for the benefit of the relationship. And thoughtful enough to buy you a new wallet when they see that it's worn out. 

8. Responsible

They are involved in the home-making, holiday planning and parenting. They take care of their health and spend within their means. They are mature to carry themselves well and are there for you when needed. 

9. Humour

Humour is a amazing tool that helps people to relax and connect. Good lovers would joke and cheer you up at the end of day. You enjoy their sense of humour and they enjoy hearing your laughter. Most importantly, both of you are able to relax and revel in each other’s presence.

Please note that you do not need to have all these factors to have a wonderful lasting relationship. These are common points that I've found from my observations and discussions with couples. The keys to loving relationship are not exhaustive. 

Carnivore Women

I was back to MediaCorp to share my views on Carnivore women 肉食女 yesterday morning.

Carnivore women 肉食女 is a term coined to ladies born after 1980 who are diligent, goal-getters,  with successful careers. It originated from Japan. They adopt the work hard and play hard mentality and dislike wasting time. When Carnivore women are attracted to a guy, they boldly give chase.

With 2 bright and bubbly hosts of Channel 8's Good Morning Singapore.

Although Carnivore women are highly sought after by head-hunters, they are shunned socially, especially by men.

My casual collection of opinions from both gender  revealed Carnivore women are viewed as egoistic, outspoken, demanding, controlling and tough to get along. Some of interviewees would prefer to stay away from them, so as not to step on their tails lest risk getting in trouble with these Tigresses. I feel for Carnivore women as the flipside of standing out is being isolated and left alone.

One lady called the program hotline and commented "nothing wrong with being Carnivore women". There is nothing wrong with being smart and successful. In fact, I respect Carnivore women’s guts, brains and drive. Emotionally, they are just as human and vulnerable as anyone.

Possible reasons why ladies become Carnivore:

1. As our city gets more and more competitive, these ladies feel insecure and push themselves to excel so as to survive in their jobs. As such, they become very tense and determined to succeed.
2. Their parents favour sons than daughters; hence these girls seek achievements in school and workplace to prove their parents wrong.
3. They had been sexually discriminated before at their workplace, so they strive harder to validate their worth.
4. They are born with high ability and pride themselves as being successful since school days. They have not lost before and cannot bear to face losing. They feel the pressure to be on par or better than their contemporaries.

Due to their character or background, Carnivore women give themselves a lot of expectations and unnecessary pressures. It is not easy to be who they are. I hope that people will see them as someone who needs love and friends as well.

Dating Tips for Men who are interested in Carnivore women

Be confident of yourself, some of these ladies seems intimidating but are wise, reasonable and kind at heart. These ladies are looking for a relationship, not to EAT you up!

Ladies love men with humour, wit and conversational skills. Brush up on these areas and social skills as well.

How Carnivorous are ladies in Singapore?

In Singapore, most of the high achiever ladies are not full-fledged Carnivores. They might be aggressive in their career, but in dating, they are still very traditional and passive – they expect men to make the first move and earn more than them.

Some of these ladies dress very sexily, yet they put up an unapproachable front. Guys are confused with the mixed signals these girls project. They wonder if they should approach these ladies.

I feel that Singapore ladies have Carnivore tendencies but "Omnivore" at heart. As Singaporeans, we are less extreme compared to other nationalities. We would prefer to adopt a more moderate position socially.

Can Carnivore women become herbivore?

Yes. A wise woman knows the suitable hat to wear for different situation. I have seen high-fliers career women who act like a tigress at workplace, but become an adorable kitten in front of their hubby. They know when to affirm, pamper and be coy to him.

Should Carnivore women focus on dating Herbivore men?

Carnivore women + Herbivore men – this formula compliments both party. It works well when both could accept each other's strength and weaknesses. Another caller asked if Carnivore ladies could accept a house husband. If the husband is better at housekeeping and wife is better at her job, it is practical to let the wife continue to shine in her career. Whatever works for you and your spouse to maintain your nest. This should also not seem strange as developed societies continue to narrow gender inequality.

4 Dating Tips for Carnivore women

Expectations
Remove unrealistic expectations that have been placed on yourself. Forget about peer, society or family pressures in the evolving society of great freedom and decreasing gender barriers. Find out what your heart needs in a relationship. Would you prefer to be with a gentleman who makes you smile? Or a bore that earns more than you?

Relax
Being approachable, open-minded, polite and easy-going are desirable traits. Learn to relax, enjoy the date and let the connections flow naturally. On first few meeting, do not interrogate guys for their background or assets.

Subtlety
It is perfectly alright to initiate and ask a guy that you like out for a date. Avoid being too direct to express your desire or too eager to "seal the deal". Be patient and prudent to get to know each other first. You are finding a partner not a pair of shoes at the department store.

Balance
Embrace the truth that the outlook and attitude which works for your career does not work for relationship. Learn to compromise and be a caring, gracious and supportive lover. Activities like knitting and belly-dancing could bring out the gentle sensual side of you. Being able to achieve a balance in personality behaviour will help you to integrate better with others and that special person you are looking to spend the rest of your life with.

Too shallow to learn?

Are Singapore men shallow and arrogant?
Recently, actress Felicia Chin remarked that Singapore men are shallow and arrogant. Not all the local men I've met are such. I have come across many fun, gentlemenly and wise Singaporean men. However, I can understand why she said so.

1. Many ladies (both foreigners and local) have feedback to me that some local men lack conversation skill. In social setting, everyone is expected to socialise. But these men couldn't engage. It could be due to the following reasons:

• Limited conversation topics. They hardly read, unaware of current affairs. Thus they are short of content to keep the conversation alive.
• Low confidence and unable to express themselves well.
• When others try to get the conversation rolling, they are not keen to take part or do not know how to response. They are only interested to talk about subjects that they are keen in or talk to pretty girls. But without good conversational social skills, pretty girls will not go on date with them.
• Upbringing and environment. No good role model to learn social skills from.

2. I've heard local men who claimed that their ex-girlfriends dumped them as their earning power is lower than her expectations. But some of these ex-girlfriends explained that the break up was due to other reasons like clashing character, lack of understanding and communication, his passiveness, his bad temper and his unwilling to compromise. Instead of enquiring, reflecting and learning from the break-up, these shallow and arrogant men push the blame to their ex-girlfriends for being materialistic.

3. When shallow, low self-esteem men meet women are more outspoken, qualified, confident, outstanding and successful than them, they feel intimidated. Before getting to know these ladies, they labelled these ladies as high maintenance, demanding or unapproachable. They will not consider dating these women, and would prefer to date women who need them more, ie: women who are  financially or politically dependent on them to stay in the country. It made me wonder why these men go into relationship? Is it to have someone whom he can relate to and support each other emotionally? Is it for love? Or is it fill their void of self-worth? What kind of women will go for him? How is he going to manage if she becomes more successful than him eventually?

Singapore men are kind, down-to-earth and honest, I value these qualities in them. I’m writing this not to put local men down; but to give them hope and encourage them to better themselves. When there's a will, there's a way. My main concern here: Are local men willing to learn? Are they willing to be a better man?

There are many simple ways our local men could improve, eg: keeping updates on current affairs, reading up, getting a personal life coach and attending courses on communication with opposite gender and social skills. These will empower Singapore men to be more attractive, confident and connect with ladies well! I hope local men will become popular for desirable reasons.

Wedding

This gentle, kind and loving couple got together through Clique Wise social events on Feb 2010. 2 years later, they are happily married. I am glad to witness how their love blossoms! Thank God!

I have attended weddings of couples who have met through our events. I noticed that they have these characteristics:

• Easy-going, not calculative
• Gracious, polite, friendly
• Humble
• Positive, open to meet people
• Proactive

Their love story was featured in RazorTV as well.
Hope their joyful union inspires all to find bliss!

Mum upset over school haircut for son

Rules and regulations in education institutions teach the kids how to respect authority and boundaries. Every school has their rules and regulations to maintain. They have the right to exercise disciplinary actions when their students broke the rules.

When my nephew received a FREE haircut from his discipline master, we had a good laugh with him. We supported the school's initiative to teach him how a self-respecting student should look like. This is basic image grooming.

If the parents find the rules unreasonable or unfairly practised in school, they could feedback to the school or MOE. Why did Madam Yeo (from the article) have to call the police?

The article mentioned that kid was traumatised over haircut. I understand that teenagers are conscious of their image. A wise parent will teach their children to manage their emotions, manage stituations in a real world and manage expectations from society. If parents get over protective, how is he going to endure army? How is he going to face rejection or failure in future? Is he suppose to call the police whenever he feels upset?

When parents over-shelter their kids, I wonder how children could grow in discipline, strength or independence. Males who are raised from such protective environment probably end up lacking in confidence, initiative and leadership qualities.

Mummy will always love her boy. But will other ladies find him attractive? I'm afraid not...

Mothers, the future of your child is in your hand. Please nurture men, not boys!