The right to a seat

Saw this post on https://www.facebook.com/safconfession today...

"To all those attention seeking fuckers out there, we are also human. I am a NSF who ORD's in 5 months and about 3 weeks ago I was taking the Circle line MRT back from a long days work in camp. And in the entire train, there were only about 10 people including me. It was EMPTY!!! so I decided to sit down with the impression that if there are no more seats available and someone is in need of it, I will get up. But this was highly unlikely because I was nearly to my stop and the train was only filled with 10 people. 

So what happens is that this woman steps into the train and sees me sitting. She approaches me and says ""excuse me, may I please sit down on your seat?"" Astonished, I look around for one second and just get up to avoid any Drama whatever because I represent the SAF. So I walk to another seat in the train and sit. She comes to me and tells me to get up because I am in the army and am not allowed to sit down. I told her that if someone needs a seat i will give it to them (in a very nice manner) and also said that the entire train is empty. She then says that she will take a photo of me and post it on STOMP and all that nonsense because i am a army personnel and im not allowed to sit. 

I was very angry that many people have this mentality, but because I didn't want any drama to go down, i just said sorry and stood the rest of the journey. And this was not a short journey it was a long one as she apparently had to go out on the same station i did. I know i should have let her take the photo, but i really was not up for all the drama. 

All i have to say is that to anyone who sees any military personnel on the mrt/bus etc sitting down. Please dont be a prick if the entire place is empty. I understand if it is full, i would voluntarily give my seat to someone else (in fact, i have done this in many occasions even when im not in uniform, and even before i enlisted) So to all those attention seeking fuckers out there. STOP WE ARE HUMAN TOO. WE NEED TO SIT..."

Seats are meant for those who need it. One day if my high heels are killing me with blisters, I would need a seat too. Anyone who pays for the ticket will have the right to take an empty seat. I will be sad to be denied of a seat simply because of what I'm wearing or what I am.

I hope people will be more gracious and less uptight about "what should" and "what should not". Sometime ago, I offered my seat to an elderly man but he politely declined. So I went back to my seat. I will not insist that he take my seat simply because of his head of white hair. If someone were to take a photo of me on my seat with the elderly man standing besides me, it would be malicious.

Fake or Real Personality?

Recently I have been interviewed by a magazine for tips to avoid jerks/fakes online. I offered the advice but felt more have to be touched on this topic...

What to do when you are approached by a stranger online and he/she sounds sincere, fun and friendly. Usual thing to do is an internet search on the person, access if the information given is authentic.

Before the internet era, we probably need to hire a private investigator or break into someone’s house to find compromising photos. Now people like to upload photos and information on social media. Making a person’s background more accessible. We get to know more about a person and his activities that he may have already forgotten. But do we really know them base on these scraps of content?

You might see this person a witty gentlemen while chatting on the net, but you also discover photos of him cross dressing as a mermaid in suggestive poses. But it does not necessarily mean that he has dual or conflicting personality. It will be too rash to block him immediately.

How many of us have done crazy harmless acts during a party or celebration; especially after some alcohol, but it does not reflect our usual personality. Does it mean we are bad? Should we be rejected because of these?

I have come across people who put offensive images on their social media account, speak like a gangster on the forums, but mummy’s boy at home.

Many of you are familiar with the boss who speaks like an angel to her husband over phone, but yells like a devil over the trivial stuffs in the office. If we could wear a different mask for different environment, then it is only logical that our online persona could be slightly different from our real personality.

Online offers an avenue for people to express themselves what they wish they could be in real life. The artificiality of non face to face communication offers confidence for some people to express a part of themselves not normally possible while for others, it is an easier platform to lie and exaggerate. In life, pessimistic as it may sound, the general rule is if something is too good to be true, chances are it is not.

Real life is not like a romantic commedy. As with interactions with an unfamiliar person, taking things with a pinch of salt is generally prudent.  It is important to remember online communications are after all a convenient but incomplete substitute for real direct human communication.

Taking time to know a person is important. With extended sessions of correspondence the person’s true nature will reveal itself.  It often takes more effort to tell consistent lies than to tell the truth.

If you had chatting with this person online for long period of time, feels safe to develop the friendship further. Suggest a meet up at a public place for lunch or coffee. Communication is multi-dimension and requires multi-senses. We could only know people better through face to face interaction. Nothing beats the real thing. With time and observation of how he/she interact with others, we could access if he/she is suitable, more effectively.

7 Stages of Post Break Up

It was really nice of Radio station 938 to invite me down to share tips on emotional wellness over the airwaves on 16 July 2012. I thought it might be interesting to share with the listeners on breaking up, something usually painful and not easy to get over. One way of coping through such difficult times which may seem like a maze is to simplify it into 7 Stages of Post Break Up.  After breaking down it down into more manageable parts, we find ways to deal with them one at a time. I may have bitten a little bit more than I could chew as I was trying to explain over a 20-minute interview in nutshell on a topic which is better understood over a 1-day session that I conduct through interactive discussion.


1. Shock
The news of the break up comes as a sudden proverbial stab to the heart, to say the least.  The pain feels real enough though you cannot find any blood flowing out from your skin anywhere. But you may and usually find uncontrollable tears flowing out from you. You tell yourself, “This couldn't be happening to me!” And your body goes in a figurative state of shock, which feels real enough to those going through the break up. This sudden end in a relationship is a huge blow to your emotions and your senses shuts off to protect you from the pain. You feel numbness like a zombie, become totally disconnected from your surroundings, and your sense of time is lost, as likely will your appetite. You are in a state of confusion. You have difficulty in focusing on your studies if you are schooling, work if you are working. And even simple daily activities like eating, sleeping, writing your emails or adding a few numbers become disrupted as is your efficiency to carry them out. Some people may resort to alcohol or binging to distract themselves from the pain or numb themselves further.


2. Hope
After a somewhat recovery from the initial shock, the reality of the break up sets in. You refuse to accept the fact that he or she has left you and you desperately explore ideas, ways and possibilities to woo your ex-lover to come back.

You go all out to buy expensive gifts, perform acts of kindness and promise to repent for your past mistakes (even if they do not exist or know exactly what they are) to save the relationship. You attempt all possible ways to prove your love and get him or her back. You call and message your ex, hoping the relationship will revert to those perfect loving days. Some may do silly things; which is highly not recommended— like threaten to end their lives or injure themselves to get a response and hopefully, an ideal reconciliation from their lovers — I will not go into details but I am sure you have probably read one or two in the newspapers.

3. Rage
Now your dream of your happy marriage or future one is gone in a wisp of smoke. You are furious towards your ex-lover for spoiling the beautiful union that you worked out in your head. Blame him or her for causing you to be lonely single again. At this stage, emotions are raw with sudden outburst like crying, yelling or slamming of things. Out of revenge, some may expose compromising photos or videos of their ex online, which we as their friends sometimes unfortunately end up seeing.  Others might badmouth their ex, with the intention of making the ex suffer the way you had, and preferably more. Your actions frighten people, including the people around and ultimately yourself, when you reflect.

4. Bitterness
You are tired of crying, raging and trying to get him or her back. The energy has turned from hot-headed rage to cold bitterness as the reality settles in. You may have come to terms that this relationship is over. However the break up leaves  you scarred and scared of the world out there.  You become overly cautious, skeptical and biased about relationships. You may blame society or yourself for allowing this break up to happen. At this stage, ladies might generalize men as shallow, men may deemed women as materialistic. People around you can feel the negative vibes oozing out from you. Some acquaintance distanced themselves from you as they are uncomfortable with your self-absorbed, whiny and sarcastic disposition. Some people never leave this stage, which is an even bigger tragedy.

5. Dejection
Your self-esteem is bruised and you start to doubt your attractiveness and self worth. You see yourself as a social failure, sink into depression and feel sorry for yourself. You shun social activities, especially gatherings that involve couples and relatives. You have lost the confidence to socialize and no see the purpose to meet new friends. You are also afraid to go to places that you and your ex had been, for fear of evoking memories you had together. You carry a cloud of sadness and regret, bringing everything around you a notch down wherever you go. Friends and family wishes to bring you out and set you up for dating but you are too caught in your own sorrow and fears of failure to meet new friends. Even if you happen to meet someone suitable, you will not consider dating. I have met people who are stuck at this stage for years, which is a big shame.  I had a lady client who came to see me as she has not dated since her last break up 7 years ago. Before she knows it, she is already 39 year old (Luckily through help from LoveAgain, her emotional wellness is established. Now she is happily dating.).

6. Closure
The dark gloomy feelings have cleared. You reflect the past relationship and understand why it didn’t work rationally. There is control over emotional responses when you see your ex. You can even wish him or her happiness if you see them again. You accept that break up as part of your life, you learn from it positively and close this chapter of your life. You enjoy your independence, peace and confidence. You may be alone but do not feel lonely anymore. You feel more like a whole, peaceful and happy person again. This is the stage where the emotional baggages, stigmas or unrealistic expectations about relationships are greatly reduced if not totally shed. You are on the path to happiness!


7. Envision
The past experience had made you stronger and wiser with most of the bitterness gone. Your family and friends are delighted to see your new found ease, maturity and zeal. Your emotions evolve healthily and looked forward to developing connections on romantic level. You evaluate your criteria in looking for a life partner clearly and are willing to change your checklist base on suitability, wholesomeness and truthfulness. You can imagine the type of person you want to marry again. You are willing to share your life with others. You are open to dates, trust and love again! You decorate your calendar with social events to enlarge your network and catch up with old pals. You anticipate a wonderful, fulfilling and happy future.

Please note that this article was written based on general cases I’ve seen. These 7 Post Break Up stages are usually faced by most. However, not all the stages may occur to everyone nor follow the same sequential order. Some stages last longer than the other. But what is important is to seek assistance and get someone trained to support you in tough times like this.

Heartbreak is a complex event. It involves deep levels of healing and it is necessary to work with someone who can act as your mirror, to show you where you have been fractured and who can apply the correct intervention to help you heal in hours what would have taken years to recover. I encourage you to speak to a trained coach in heart break to help you manage your painful emotions and move on.

At LoveAgain, our heart break therapy consists of 7 stages of healing process to enable you to forgive, remove an emotional trauma, heal painful memories and gain a new perspective on life, feel like a whole person, have a vision of good healthy love, get empowered to pursue the vision and make better choices and attract the suitable people.

A single session at LoveAgain.sg allows you to let go of past hurt, anger and betrayal. Click here to find out more…

Rejection

With Radio DJ Janice Teo

I was invited to 938Live radio station for an interview in the program Need to Know. I spoke on the topic rejection management and heart break therapy.

Here is what Janice and I have discussed on rejection management:

Why did you set up LoveAgain.sg?
I see the importance of heart wellness. Scientific truths show inter-relationship between the heart and the body. Emotive issues are severe enough to damage our body if left unchecked (eg increase heart failure and doubled the risk of asthma development). Hence I set up LoveAgain, we specialise in helping the broken-hearted deal with their loss.

LoveAgain.sg is a consultancy which conducts personalised coaching session for individuals to strengthen their emotional wellness.

When we are sick, we see doctors. When our emotions are hurting, we see trained coaches/counsellors to help us manage our emotions and ease the heartache. Heart aches can take many years to heal, when proper help is rendered, it can speed up healing by up to 75%.

About LoveAgain's research on managing rejection
In a rejection management survey done by LoveAgain last December, an overwhelming majority (70%) of those surveyed have actually experienced some form of harassment before, be it offensive content, someone trying to ask them out for a date or from an annoying ex – friend/lover.

38% simply ignore the advances hoping they would give up eventually. 13% claimed dating someone else. However the same cannot be said if the person was on the receiving end of being rejected. 32% would rather be told straight in the face “No” while 31% would prefer a slightly gentler yet no less honest approach saying they were only regarded as a pal and simply no further. This is in contrast to only 22% who wanted to be given the excuse that the other party was busy!

The perspective from each side
It can be sweet, elating and fun receiving 30 SMSes/calls a day from someone you like, but sometimes one may not appreciate the oncoming advances expressing affection.

A lady told me she felt disturbed to receive unsolicited SMSes/calls from men she have no intention of developing the relationship to the next level. She usually ignores them as she does not want to hurt their feelings. Also she does not know how to turn them down. If she happens to meet them on the street she will feel embarrassed and shun these guys.

An eligible ex-client said: "I have met ladies whom I had good chats and exchanged contacts. Yet when I initiated to ask them out just to know them more as a friend, they didn’t reply. It kept me wondering what had gone wrong that causes them to ignore me. I felt discouraged. I wished they have said ‘I see you as a friend but hope you find someone more suitable for you.’ I would have felt better with a proper closure. Luckily I took Lydia's advice not be affected by these incidents but to foster positive thoughts and I continue to socialise. Eventually I met his lovely wife. We got married last year."

How to reject
When someone approached you for a date, reply them graciously even if you are not keen to develop the relationship to the next level with them. Avoid ignoring, mocking or leading the person on.

Singapore is pretty small, you might meet the person again. Give a proper closure, you could say “I see you as a sibling, hope you find someone who deserves your love.” The person will have more respect for you. It shows that you are gracious, tactful and have good upbringing.

How to handle rejection
Do not see it as a personal rejection. The person might have specific criterias like matching lifestyle or values when it comes to looking for a date/partner. You just happen to be different from what they want.

How to know when to be persistent or back off
56% defined harassment as anything more than 3, but less than 15 unsolicited SMSes or calls in a day. Anything above 15 is considered as threatening. The receiver is ready to make police report! If there are no reply after 3 tries, delete the telephone number and move on! No lost!

How have expectations with social graces evolved?
Expectation in social graces has evolved with times. As we are bombarded with lots of information daily, threshold for unwanted attention has lowered. What used to be regarded as persistence in expressing one's love and affection for another is now more commonly deemed as harassment.

How do coaching sessions update an individual’s social skills or ‘dateability’?
These dating courses enable singles to be socially more aware of the current dos + don’ts and identify their blind spots. Takes a wise, socially sharp and experienced person to be able highlight the rooms for improvement. With knowledge comes confidence. And being confident is an attractive quality!

For more information about LoveAgain, please visit www.loveagain.sg