Friends to avoid if you want to get hitched

Friends or Foe! As much as our friends are the best wingman for us to get hitched, they can also be the worst barriers to dating. Whether you know it or not, some friends influence your attitude and behaviour towards dating.

These are the few unhealthy friend types that I have seen, sharing these so that you can prevent hindrance in your search for love.

1. Egoistic Maniac

Alpha who will put everybody down to make himself/herself look good. They would not admit that he/she needs help in any problem, including finding a future partner. He/she believes that they have the calibre for someone to just fall in love with them.

They will mock people who subscribe to dating services as they see that effort as desperate. Such attitude is so passe! Beneath the defensive shell, is the huge fear of losing face and low self-esteem. Proud people are often the most fragile and afraid to be lonely. So if you have a friend like that, do help them to get out of the singlehood by encouraging them to be tactful and socialise more. Let them know that dating events does not mean that you are desperate; it just mean that you are open to meeting like-minded people.

Their typical line:

“I don’t need dating services!”

“Isn’t it a bit too desperate to be going for dating services?”

2. Nit-Picker

People need friends who are willing to put on the “Relationship consultant” hat to offer a listening ear and most importantly; sincere dating advice for your emotional needs. Sometimes friends do offer sound advice as an objective individual.

However, you have to be careful when they start shoving their unrealistic ideals on your boyfriend or girlfriend. They often make you feel that your date is not worth your time and tend to emphasis more on his or her bad than good points. In short, he or she “ridicule” your expectations on life-partner.

Their typical line:

“If your boyfriend loves you, he will buy you that $8,889 bag!”

“If your girlfriend loves you, she will let you “geng MC” to play Dota!”

“If your partner loves you, she will reply your message in 5 minutes, even when she is at work.”

3. Moodsucker

You know the character Sadness from the movie Inside Out. Yes! Probably the only emotion in the person’s head. This character type is naturally pessimistic about things and have an ultra-negative outlook on relationships. To them, 99% of all marriages wind up in divorce. Every time you meet, they keep talking about failed relationships or marriages or XXX is homosexual, so depressing that they drain out all your hopes and joys of love. You get infected with their negativity and become closed-up to relationships. No mood to even dream about dating after every conversation with them.

Their typical line:

“All the good guys are either taken or gay“

“I’m going to die alone with 99 cats. “

4. Hinder in disguise

Although these mood suckers always say they want to get married, their actions contradict their words. Every time you meet them, they are always bringing the opposite sex down. Such friends keep reinforcing all the unappealing aspects of the opposite gender that affects your perspective on dating. 

When both of you attend social functions, he/she will hog on to you to prevent you from talking to others. Even when eligible singles approach you to try to know you, these blockers will project a repulsive body language (like rolling-their eyes or show a pitch dark face) to turn these people away. Consciously or unconsciously, they want you to stay single with them.

Their typical line:

“Guys ah, hopeless woodblocks, so clueless and insensitive to our feelings”

“Girls ah, only want to control you, don't let you drink and don't let you go out”

5. Pleasure-Seekers

These men and women usually spent like a filthy rich on sleazy pubs and bar host/hostesses. And they are not there to entertain their clients or celebrate their boss’s birthday. They patronise vices habitually to destress. They would tip these host/hostesses hundreds of dollars but would not spend a single cent on networking or dating services. They prefer to seek comfort in these host/ hostesses instead of finding a life-partner. I reckon they might be commitment-phobic, or have relationship issues with educated, independent people of the opposite gender. So they would rather burst their credit cards’ limit on host/hostesses who can satisfy their temporal need for companionship and boost their ego. They live by the motto that money can buy everything, including love. The best advice they can give you is to buy a bride. While we respect their lifestyle choice, the more you hang out with them in these places, the lesser your chance of dating good eligible singles.

Their typical line:

“Forget about dating or wooing women, let’s go to this KTV Lounge to have fun, the girls will entertain us!”

“Forget about marriage, let’s go to this host club to be pampered by cute smooth guys!”

6. Freeloaders

On evenings that are not “ladies night”, these women would hang around different tables at the bar and wait for the men buy them drinks. They regard men as tickets for free alcohol. They are more interested in getting freebies than meeting people. They main purpose to find male pleasure-seekers as mentioned above to milk as many things from them as possible. As their friend, you will have to get free drinks for them or buy them drinks.

Their typical line:

Nil. They hardly talk as they are busy drinking or fishing for freebies.

7. Nagger

The Nagger always say the same cliche lines but either don't apply the same words to themselves or they just NATO (No Action, Talk Only). If they are really concerned for your social well-being, they will try to do something constructive.

Their typical line:

“So old already, still haven't find boyfriend/ girlfriend. You want to settle down or not?”

If you realise that you are being a nagger or any one characters described above, Stop! Act on these to help your single friends instead:

• encouraging them to be positive, pro-active and open-minded to meet singles in their search for suitable life-partner
• introducing eligible bachelors or bachelorettes to them
• pointing them to loving couples who stay married, help them to see happy marriage can be achieved
•  referring them to sign up for dating services

These are what supportive friends could do, this list is not exhaustive. Feel free to comment/email me if you have more ways to help your single friends.

First Muslim Parental Matchmaking

First Muslim Parental Matchmaking in Singapore

After running 4 sessions of Parental Matchmaking for the general public in Singapore. I decided to  organize a similar session for Muslim parents who are concerned about the marital status of their single children.

This is the first time we are conducting this for the Muslims. Based on my research, no one else has done this on a corporate level. I find a need for this session as Muslims are open to the idea of parents introducing potential life partners to them. Very excited to be able to help my fellow Muslim friends. Straits times featured about this event today.

These parents are comforted to  find
fellow parents who could identify with their feelings.

 

The next Parental Matchmaking for general public will be on 30th June, Tuesday, 7pm-10pm at Thr3e Bistro, 6 Raffles Boulevard Marina Square #01-07/08 Singapore 039594(Near City hall MRT). Price is $28 (Price includes GST, facilitation and a 15min talk about parental matchmaking etiquette)

Qualities of good lover

Often, people would associate a desirable partner as someone young, pretty and well-endowed. Based on my years of relationship coaching and matchmaking, I find that physical attractiveness has little to do with keeping the long term relationship alive. After asking many happy couples on the essentials required to keep their lengthy relationship glowing, I gathered 9 attractive characteristics that good lovers embrace:

1. Faithful 

Adultery cuts the heart deeply. A good lover recognises the drastic effects of betrayal. As they cherish you, they try their best to protect your heart from being hurt. They give you the priority and commitment as their spouse.

2. Assuring

They reaffirm their love through words and actions. When you have done something wrong unintentionally, they are not over critical or condemning. They are gracious to give you the safety net to be imperfect. Besides accepting you for who you are, they make an effort to demonstrate their love, eg: cooking your favorite oxtail stew and giving you a massage after a tiring day.

3. Respect

• Personal choices
  Good lovers respect your choice. They will not force you to change your preference or do anything against your will. 
• Feelings
  As they would listen patiently without passing mean judgemental remarks; you know you could share your views and feelings with ease. They care enough to cushion their words with kindness so as to prevent hurting your feelings. They appreciate the efforts you have put in for them with encouraging words.
• Honor
  They sincerely honor you in their communications with you, they treat you with respect and love; not just in public but in private as well. I have a relative who would smile sweetly and agrees with her husband in public’s eye. Weather would turn completely when others are not around— She becomes cold and demanding toward him.
• Exclusive relationship
  They give you reverence by mentioning you to opposite gender whom they have just met. I've noticed people who evade their marital status so they could flirt around as if they are single and available.
• Ties
  They treat your friends and family with respect. They are supportive to attend social occasions together with you.

4. Trust

Partners with confidence in you would give you space to pursue your hobbies and enjoy some time alone. In the stressful city, you need time out to connect with yourself or your buddies. Good lovers are understanding but not self-absorbed in their insecurities.

5. Affectionate

Hugging is the simplest way to build people up emotionally.  Valuable lovers understand humans physical need to feel accepted and hug their partner liberally. My hubby and I give each other a number of loving hugs every day. We enjoy every magical moment of our embrace. In addition, we feel lighter and happier after each hug.

Good lovers are not detached or distant; they are comfortable to hold your hands or hug you without sex in their agenda.  They are more than willing to show the world their love for you and spend quality time with you too.

6. Stable

Being emotionally healthy; they are able to communicate their thoughts and feelings peacefully without staging any “drama”. In other words, they do not spite, wail, scream, threaten or slam things to get their point across. They avoid actions which are destructive to the relationship.

7. Teachable

They are open to evaluate themselves, listen to feedback, willing to learn new ways to better themselves and try new things to add sizzle to the relationship. Neither stubborn or self-centred, they have good self-esteem and humbleness to know they do not have to win every conversation. They are willing to compromise for the benefit of the relationship. And thoughtful enough to buy you a new wallet when they see that it's worn out. 

8. Responsible

They are involved in the home-making, holiday planning and parenting. They take care of their health and spend within their means. They are mature to carry themselves well and are there for you when needed. 

9. Humour

Humour is a amazing tool that helps people to relax and connect. Good lovers would joke and cheer you up at the end of day. You enjoy their sense of humour and they enjoy hearing your laughter. Most importantly, both of you are able to relax and revel in each other’s presence.

Please note that you do not need to have all these factors to have a wonderful lasting relationship. These are common points that I've found from my observations and discussions with couples. The keys to loving relationship are not exhaustive. 

Herbivore Men

It was my honour to be invited to the mandarin morning talk show 早安你好 at MediaCorp again. This time, we spoke about 草食男, Herbivore men or grass-eating men. Here is the content that I've prepared for the show:

草食男 is a term to describe a group of urban young men (age 30 and below) who are fashionable, well-groomed and neat. They are gentle, polite, prudent, image and health conscious. Besides being nice, educated and attuned to emotional needs, they treasure their personal time and love to spend it with their loved ones, hobbies and grooming. They will not hesitate to get a gym membership but turn passive when it comes to relationship and career.


Causes of  "Herbivore men" in Singapore
Usually Herbivore men stay with their self-sufficient parents, and need not strive for survival. Like tigers in the zoo, these men grew up in a well-fed and protected environment. Hence they lost their hunting skills, aggressiveness and motivation to expand their territory.

Caged creatures could not activate their prowess.

Herbivore men are comfortable and contented with their current state of life. In Singapore, due to high cost of apartments, inflation and tougher competition for jobs, these men become more careful when making long term financial commitments. Herbivore men are not used to risks and thus, more cautious to take up challenges.

I have spoken to many local bachelors who fit the description of Herbivore men. But they are not totally adverse to relationship, marriage or having their own kids. As new-age sensitive guys, they recognize the need to have a life-partner, the importance of family and the joy of having children. Deep down, they sincerely wish to get married eventually. However they may not ready to face the uncertainties and burdens of marriage.


Do Herbivore men make a good life partner?
Yes. They make a good husband as they respect women, willing to listen and value family time. They are excellent shopping, cooking and travel companion.


4 As for ladies who are interested to date a Herbivore man:

Approachable
Be friendly, pro-active yet not forceful. Feel free to initiate and ask him out based on activities that he is interested in. Eg: shopping at a new boutique. During the show, 2 concerned mothers of Herbivore men called to encourage ladies to approach these passive men. Even mothers support this idea!

Appearance
Since he is mindful of his own image, it is only logical that he wants to be with a presentable lady. Being spiffy will leave him a good impression plus wanting to date you more!

Acceptance
Accept his lifestyle, spending habits and career choice. Adjust your expectations when you love a Herbivore man. If both of you are working and planning to wed, be ready to support the house, wedding and family expenses together. He will appreciate your understanding. Being too princessy, materialistic or demanding will not make anyone a good life partner.

Assurance
Be patient, supportive and encouraging. Give him the courage to take the new responsibilities in life confidently. Avoid criticizing or comparing him with other men. Be a committed partner who can wave the storms and smell the roses with him. Once he has the confidence in you, he will consider asking you to be spend the rest of his life with you!   

I will share about Carnivore women next week.

Communication

You are commanded by your boss to attend an industry networking party. You reached the party and did not find any familiar faces. Everyone is talking among themselves and you don’t know what to do to get to know new friends. You stand at one corner, feeling lonely, shy and clueless. How to network?

Your best friend invited you to be the emcee for his church wedding. You could not turn down his offer and wonder what to say to the wedding guests. You searched for ideas online and find the information irrelevant to Singapore’s context. You wrote a simple speech but somehow you started having butterflies in your stomach. You are afraid to mess up your best friend’s wedding. Panic! You wish there was a software you can buy, a button that you can press, to download your prepared speech into your brain and play when you wish to present it like Obama. You worried. How to host a wedding speech?

Whether it is networking or public oration, it is all about good communication. What is an interesting conversation? What is eloquent public speaking? What constitute effective communication? Based on my experience as an event faciliator and trainer, let me share with you what I’ve learnt in 3 points:

1. Organized
As we speak, we are presenting our thoughts, ideas and feelings. That is actually a lot of content for the audience to digest. Make it easy for them with an organized flow of information, from introduction of character, story, ending and conclusion. This will make it is simpler for the audience to comprehend the content. With appropriate usage of the English language, vocal projection, diction, body movement and pace between words, the quality of the speech is enhanced.

2. Engaging
Speaking is about connecting with our audience. Before we can achieve this, we have to get the audience’s attention first. Hence it is important we make the speech entertaining, enticing and palatable. It’s just like a chef putting extra effort to add garnish on the food, presenting it in the most delicious way so that people will buy his food.

Engaging speech comes in many forms. Besides laughter-inducing jokes, engaging speech can be in the form of sob sob melodrama or brilliant household tips that makes our lives easier. We make the speech entertaining to get audience’s attention, get them thinking and get responses! Key is to generate interest, illicit desired reaction and achieve our purpose. Which bring us to the last point Purpose.

Short yet effective speech to empower

3. Purpose
It is essential to attach a purpose to our speaking, so as to make the communication meaningful. There are many reasons why we speak. It could be about getting to know your date, sharing our life story to our little nephew, or telling our colleagues benefits of drinking alkaline water. We have to speak with a clear objective in mind. When we speak clearly, audience understands our message clearly. We could build relationships, expand our influence and inspire others.

Now you know the basics of good speaking, you realised good communication is achievable! Are you interested to see more live examples of eloquent speeches? Are you keen to practice your speeches and perfect your speaking skills? Do you want to be able to articulate on current affairs smoothly?

Good news is at toastmasters clubs you could! There are many Toastmasters club in Singapore. Personally I have benefitted greatly from it. Toastmasters have well-rounded course structure, conducive environment and encouraging members to motivate you to achieve this. You could also  sharpen your communication skills at your own comfortable pace. It is very affordable, eg: S$72 per term at Braddell Heights Toatsmasters Club.

With exposure, practice and support of your coach, you could make small talk in social events confidently, persuade your clients eloquently and present a speech on your best friend’s wedding elegantly. Let’s enjoy good communication skills together!