Qualities of good lover

Often, people would associate a desirable partner as someone young, pretty and well-endowed. Based on my years of relationship coaching and matchmaking, I find that physical attractiveness has little to do with keeping the long term relationship alive. After asking many happy couples on the essentials required to keep their lengthy relationship glowing, I gathered 9 attractive characteristics that good lovers embrace:

1. Faithful 

Adultery cuts the heart deeply. A good lover recognises the drastic effects of betrayal. As they cherish you, they try their best to protect your heart from being hurt. They give you the priority and commitment as their spouse.

2. Assuring

They reaffirm their love through words and actions. When you have done something wrong unintentionally, they are not over critical or condemning. They are gracious to give you the safety net to be imperfect. Besides accepting you for who you are, they make an effort to demonstrate their love, eg: cooking your favorite oxtail stew and giving you a massage after a tiring day.

3. Respect

• Personal choices
  Good lovers respect your choice. They will not force you to change your preference or do anything against your will. 
• Feelings
  As they would listen patiently without passing mean judgemental remarks; you know you could share your views and feelings with ease. They care enough to cushion their words with kindness so as to prevent hurting your feelings. They appreciate the efforts you have put in for them with encouraging words.
• Honor
  They sincerely honor you in their communications with you, they treat you with respect and love; not just in public but in private as well. I have a relative who would smile sweetly and agrees with her husband in public’s eye. Weather would turn completely when others are not around— She becomes cold and demanding toward him.
• Exclusive relationship
  They give you reverence by mentioning you to opposite gender whom they have just met. I've noticed people who evade their marital status so they could flirt around as if they are single and available.
• Ties
  They treat your friends and family with respect. They are supportive to attend social occasions together with you.

4. Trust

Partners with confidence in you would give you space to pursue your hobbies and enjoy some time alone. In the stressful city, you need time out to connect with yourself or your buddies. Good lovers are understanding but not self-absorbed in their insecurities.

5. Affectionate

Hugging is the simplest way to build people up emotionally.  Valuable lovers understand humans physical need to feel accepted and hug their partner liberally. My hubby and I give each other a number of loving hugs every day. We enjoy every magical moment of our embrace. In addition, we feel lighter and happier after each hug.

Good lovers are not detached or distant; they are comfortable to hold your hands or hug you without sex in their agenda.  They are more than willing to show the world their love for you and spend quality time with you too.

6. Stable

Being emotionally healthy; they are able to communicate their thoughts and feelings peacefully without staging any “drama”. In other words, they do not spite, wail, scream, threaten or slam things to get their point across. They avoid actions which are destructive to the relationship.

7. Teachable

They are open to evaluate themselves, listen to feedback, willing to learn new ways to better themselves and try new things to add sizzle to the relationship. Neither stubborn or self-centred, they have good self-esteem and humbleness to know they do not have to win every conversation. They are willing to compromise for the benefit of the relationship. And thoughtful enough to buy you a new wallet when they see that it's worn out. 

8. Responsible

They are involved in the home-making, holiday planning and parenting. They take care of their health and spend within their means. They are mature to carry themselves well and are there for you when needed. 

9. Humour

Humour is a amazing tool that helps people to relax and connect. Good lovers would joke and cheer you up at the end of day. You enjoy their sense of humour and they enjoy hearing your laughter. Most importantly, both of you are able to relax and revel in each other’s presence.

Please note that you do not need to have all these factors to have a wonderful lasting relationship. These are common points that I've found from my observations and discussions with couples. The keys to loving relationship are not exhaustive. 

National Day

National Day is a day to celebrate the birth and success of a nation. It is also a time to give thanks for the peace and prosperity that we had enjoyed in the past, and pray for these two essential qualities to continue to last in Singapore.

4 Types of Lousy Lovers

I categorize 4 types of men to avoid in romantic relationships and offer advice for these men (in blue). As a fair person, I will cover on the types of females to avoid in my next post.


Natural Charmer — treat relationships as hobbies
Usually very good-looking, affectionate or sweet talker, the natural born Casanova genuinely love women, enjoy dating and wowing them. Because of his magnetic personality, ladies will approach him. His playfulness will prevent him from staying in a relationship.

He might settle down with a woman when he gets tired of changing partners. 


Wannabe — treat relationship as social tools 
Insecure and self-absorbed, women are objects to satisfy his lust and ego or validate his social worth. As he are very manipulative, he could get women and dump them who are no longer useful to him without blinking his eyelids. He does not treat women with care, love or respect. Love scammers belong to this category. They will keep lying to suck more money from women.

He needs guidance to fill his deep emotional void and develop healthy perspective about females and relationships.

Self-proclaim expert — treat relationships as qualification
Being eligible, he could go into relationships with ease, however he could not maintain it for long due to his jaded arrogance, unwilling to compromise and lack of self-evaluation. He tend to complain and conclude that women are difficult based on the huge number of ex-girl friends he had. He feel that having more ex-girlfriends than usual people qualifies him to judge women and reject feedback from others. People like him makes me ponder "does having more ex make you a better lover?" More does not equate better.

After he consider others feelings plus feedback and get healed from his stubborn ways, he might become the love expert that he claims to be.


Faithful on paper — treat relationship as room mates bound by social contract
Neither good-looking, charming nor loving, he remains with the spouse for decades not because of love; but simply because of convenience or lack of better alternatives. Outsiders might see him as faithful to remain in marriage but his partner view him as unappreciative, uncaring and irresponsible. His wife have tried to encourage him to be romantic but he is too bored to be bothered. His sense of commitment is paper thin, as he does not provide any form of support to the marriage —  doesn't helping out at home during his off days, does not attend family birthdays or festivals nor shower the family with attention, gifts or money. He is busy with his own life. Men in this group are emotionally, physically or financially uninvolved towards their family. It can be unbearably lonely to be married to him.

He has to find out the causes for his need to be detached from his loved ones and deal with it.  He has to recognise that conscious effort has to be made for a marriage to glow. Women are easy to wow if he sincerely cherish his long time partner. Putting a little effort and creativity would add happy spice to his mundane life, put smiles on his partner's face and win him the golden title of a good lover!

Dating Safety Guidelines

Ladies, safety on first date is important irregardless of age. Lydia, principal life coach of LoveAgain.sg and CliqueWise.sg, shares some valuable tips to ensure that your first date experience is both safe and rewarding. She has been designing and facilitating singles events since 2006.

Before You Meet
Ask a lot of questions when communicating and look out for inconsistencies or requests for money. Take note if you are suspicious of anything. Use common sense. No need to feel obliged to meet that person just because he or she pressured you to do so.

Meet in Public
When both of you decide to meet face to face, pick a public location where other people are in close proximity. Avoid secluded places. Inform a close friend, colleague or family where you're going and who you are meeting. Let them know when you return from the date or you could arrange to meet up with friends after the date. When meeting for the first time, never allow your date to pick you up from your home. At the end of the date, your date might offer to send you home. You may suggest to him to walk you to the bus-stop or taxi stand instead.

Bring Your Mobile Phone
Carry your mobile with you so that you can contact your family or friends for help if need be. Please ensure the battery is charged.

Tune To Your Instinct
During a date, listen to your gut feel, if you are feeling uncomfortable with that person, leave immediately. If you need a second opinion, excuse yourself and call someone you can trust to discuss.

Dressing
Don't overdress or dress too revealingly as you may project the wrong image and invite unwanted trouble.

Be Alert
You are going out on a date with someone you barely know. Take your time to get to know the person, one step at a time and at your own pace. Never let your guard down because you are having great chemistry together. Never assume a man is safe just because he claims to be religious or a gentleman.

Alcohol
Alcohol or drugs affects your judgment and lessens your inhibitions. If possible, avoid alcohol on your first date. Drinking heavily and getting drunk on first date does not reflect well on you too.

Getting to know your date can be fun and exciting. By creating a safe environment to know the person, you’re creating a better opportunity for yourself.

Written for Wow-Her.com on 22th May 2008